I didn’t think I’d be typing these words but, I freaking loved Vampire Killers!

After some time trying to figure out what to review, the one and only Carol Zara asked if I could review this movie called Vampire Killers. I was reluctant at first because the title alone made me cringe thinking of some twilight ripoff that sadly, probably would be better anyway. Oh how I was wrong!

The biggest win besides the load of fanny in this film is the fact that it follows in the footsteps on Shaun of the Dead so dead on that you can’t help but enjoy it. It just reminds you of why you love Shaun of the Dead but not so much that it exactly copies it.

The plot goes as follows: Step 1. Boy gets dumped. Step 2. Best friend in an attempt to cheer him up and get them ass suggests an adventure! Step 3. Find hot girls upon arriving at their destination. After that, find out that the town has been cursed so that every girls that turns 18 becomes and lesbian vampire. Don’t forget all this happens in a very funny manner and with very attractive ladies being very….lesbian. Sound good?It’s pretty hard to get ass in a town when just about every female is a total les. It’s just as heartbreaking when they’re as hot as these girls.

Not only is this movie funny, but it’s actually shot beautifully. Camera work, color palette, and quick cuts are brilliant. The acting and dialogue is perfectly delivered by the cast so it’s not painful to get through. Vampire Killers isn’t just some cheaply put together, ‘we made it please watch it movie’. It’s worth seeing because it’s got everything a campy comedy needs to be enjoyable. You won’t walk away disappointed feeling like you wasted 86 minutes. I really enjoyed this movie and I think if you like Shaun of the Dead (who doesn’t) then you’ll be right at home with this one. Just know, I’m not saying it’s better than Shaun of the Dead in any  way. Even with way more half naked hotties and nudity, I won’t say it’s better than Shaun of theDead, but it is similar. I think I’m going to watch it again actually because I enjoyed it just that much. Give it a chance and let us know what you think. Thanks for reading!

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As soon as I got netflix I quickly realized the wonders of instant streaming horror movies. The amount of B-movie gore-fest flicks are simply astounding and that’s a good thing in my opinion.

While in my travels I came across a movie called sick nurses that spoke to me. The title alone brings visions of Silent Hill that make me all warm inside. I’m all for seeing a movie that has a bit of humor, tons of absurd gore, and very nice looking ladies. Add all those things together and you have yourself a staff of sick nurses.

The plot is simple. The doctor of this hospital and his hot nurses sell dead bodies on the black market. After some differences of opinion in the staff, one nurse gets a little pro-bono surgery work done in the form of a knife to the chest. Obviously if you’ve got a fresh corpse laying around it’s time to sell it. Sounds like a perfect plan unless the ghost of the slain nurse returns for some much needed revenge.

The best part is that not only do you get to witness the buckets of blood this movie throws at you, but you get to do do it while looking at 6 sexy nurses in 6 sexy nurse outfits. If you love gore and attractive women in nurses outfits then I suggest your rent this movie. I hate ruining movies no matter how good or bad they are, so I try to avoid  ANY spoilers possible. All you need to know is that there is a good deal of practical special effects to keep any bad horror movie enthusiast satisfied,  a good lineup of hotties doing not so hot things most of the time, and english subtitles so you can understand what the girls are saying. Like I said before, if you’re at all interested in this movie it doesn’t hurt to rent and have some fun.

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Nicola Peltz is Katara. She’s a waterbender.

Seychelle Gabriel looks super cute as Princess Yue.

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Brought to you by @sidecarsally

When it comes to movies, I only bother with two genres; horror and porn. Actually, three genres — I forgot about HorrorPorn. I’d rather have my cock stapled to the muzzle of a rabid wolf than watch The Notebook or Legally Blonde, unless there is a boob scene and I can fast-forward directly to it. And it’s gotta be fully-exposed nipple. The Human Centipede (First Sequence).

The Human Centipede (First Sequence) tells the story of a mad surgeon and his quest to create “Siamese triplets” by surgically connecting three humans from MOUTH TO ANUS.

Imagine three people on their hands and knees connected ass-to-mouth. From front to back, they will be referred to as A, B, and C.

Here’s how it all works: By connecting B’s mouth to A’s anus, A can shit into B’s mouth, slightly nourishing her with his feces. C is in the back with her mouth connected to B’s anus, so she is fed by the already-digested shit of both A and B.

Can a person survive on a shit diet?

Supposedly, by supplementing B’s diet and keeping C on an IV-drip, the human centipede could survive for years. Luckily, A can eat normal food because he leads the centipede, so his mouth isn’t sewn to anyone’s anus.

Director Tom Six worked on the film with a Dutch surgeon, who claims that the film is 100% medically accurate. I don’t know whether to be happy about that, or freaked out.

Boobs?

There is no shortage of breastacles in this movie. Both B and C of the human centipede are females with boobs, and the director took the liberty of keeping them topless for most of the film. Unfortunately, it’s hard to enjoy the eye candy considering the context it’s in.

The middle of the centipede (Ashley C. Williams) had a particularly nice rack, but after she got her mouth shat in, I found her a little less attractive.

Bottom Line

Just when you think you’ve seen everything, a film like The Human Centipede raises the bar for creativity (and depravity). There are definitely no other movies about a mad surgeon that goes around sewing lips to anuses and vice versa.

If bad acting bothers you, don’t worry because you won’t find any in this movie. When the front of the centipede shouted, “Shit, I have to shit! FORGIVE ME!” to the girl behind him, I really believed it was happening — especially when her eyes got real big.

The Human Centipede is one the best movies I’ve ever seen. I recommend it to everyone, even people that don’t have ass-to-mouth fetishes. Watch this movie TONIGHT.

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Get ready for one of the most fucked up movies ever made.

“Martyrs” is a French mystery-horror film directed by Pascal Laugier, and it’s much better than his previous film “Saint Ange,” or as I like to call it, “How Long Was I Asleep And Did I Miss Anything Good?”

Laugier (which I think is pronounced “LOOGEY-AY” in French) has really outdone himself with this movie, and I’ll explain why.

The Plot

The movie is about an evil secret society that tortures young women for years until they either die, or reach a euphoric state where they can peer into the afterlife and report the experience.

It’s almost impossible to talk about the plot without giving away major parts, but within the first 15 minutes of the movie, a middle-class white suburban family gets brutally murdered with a shotgun in graphic detail and it only gets way more fucked up from there.

Boobs?

Yes, but by the time you get to see any nudity, the girl’s body is so bruised up that it’s literally impossible to masturbate to, even in slow motion — believe me, I tried. Also, her body was being suspended horizontally face-down at the time, so her boobs hung in a really awkward way.

Now that I think about it, despite the boobs, that scene wasn’t supposed to be sexual.

Pros and Cons

Pros: Despite the non-sexual nature of the boob scene, I’m gonna have to list “boobs” as a pro anyway. Also, this movie had lots of blood, a brutal head-smashing scene, a skinned-alive scene, and lots of senseless beatings of women.

Cons: Be prepared for not only having to listen to annoying French language for 100 minutes, but you’ll also have to read subtitles — unless you speak French. And I doubt anyone reading this is smart enough to know two different languages. Subtitles also make it hard to stay focused on important things in the movie like hard nipples and blood.

Bottom Line

I know I didn’t do that great of a job at selling this film — just know that if I get excited enough to put down my heroin needle and actually review a movie, you know it’s gotta be fuckin’ awesome. I don’t hop off the dark horse for nothin’, if you know what I mean.

Martyrs is extremely well-acted and the director did a great job of keeping the viewer on the verge of having a boner and vomiting at the same time for most of the film.

If you don’t watch this movie after reading this article, you might as well go and get a big vagina tattooed on your forehead because you are a pussy. If you’re a girl and don’t want to watch it, I understand completely — but you’d be total girlfriend material if you did.

“Martyrs” has ghost elements, extreme gore, boobs, and by far one of the most unique stories in any horror film. A lot of haters will say “All that violence isn’t necessary,” but nobody complained about all the unnecessary cock in “Forgetting Sarah Marshall.”

If “Martyrs’” violence doesn’t suit you, that vagina tattoo certainly will.

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Brought to you by @ArielBambino

The story takes place in Japan and revolves around a “Diclonius” named Lucy, a human like species with short horns protruding from the skull, that have telekinetic powers in the form of what are called “vectors”. She’s held in a facility built exclusively for experimentation on the Diclonius, often being tortured. In an opening scene of mass murder, she manages to escape her chamber, killing anything, and anyone that stands in her way using her vectors, or even a single pen. In the process of escaping the facility, she takes an injury to the head in an event that causes her to develope a playful, child-like split personality known as “Nyu” who has no knowledge of her deadly counterpart or anything that is going on. She eventually is found on shore wounded and naked by two young locals, Kohta, a college student, and his cousin Yuka, that decide to take her in. They run into run into strange occurrences from people searching for Lucy, and decide to let her live with them, seeing as she had no other place to go. From that point on they’re involved in numerous attempts by the SAT (Special Assault Team) as well as other Diclonius from the facility to recapture Lucy. As the story progresses many characters are introduced, a homeless girl Mayu and her dog, along with another Diclonius Nana, that form sort of a family all trying to protect Lucy, or who they know as Nyu.

The anime does a great job of forming a connection between you and the characters so that you actually feel your heart being broken when you see them in harms way or being abused. They are all well fleshed out and you’re given enough backstory about them enough to actually care about who you’re getting teary eyed for. Elfen Lied is definitely full of action, tender moments, and comic relief, scenes of Nyu touching Yuka’s breasts not knowing what she’s doing, or having difficulty dressing, is used to lighten up the tense feel of the show, though it can get awkward. Each episode leaves you with a cliff hanger, leaving you wanting the answers in the next episode. It’s sure to satisfy any anime fan, or anyone who just needs something worth watching, but it’s one that you actually have to watch to understand what I’m talking about. Feel free to leave a comment below or @reply me on Twitter letting me know what you think about Elfen Lied after you watch it. Unless you can’t handle it of course. Ahem.

“The Elfen Lied anime series has received praise for its story and technical excellence in production quality, animation and color. Due to the many scenes of nudity and gore in the series, it has drawn criticism as being “overly blatant” or “sad and forced”. The overtness of the first seven minutes of the first episode has deterred some viewers and caused controversy as to its release.” -Martin, Theron

The series drew criticism for having “sub-par voice acting”, in both the original Japanese audio track and the English dub of the series. Another criticism is that “the series ends abruptly with some loose ends to the story that could leave viewers unsatisfied”.Despite these criticisms, Western reviewers also describe the series as “really a genuinely good watch”, “a horror series of exceptional merit”, “certainly memorable” and “a very special show, good and bad parts taken into consideration”. – Martin, Theron

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Have you ever heard of a show called “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” that was on in the 90’s? Yes? I thought so.

Well most of the cast haven’t really been in the public eye since then, with the exception of Allison Hanigan who landed a part in American Pie & How I Met Your Mother. Sarah Michelle Gellar has been in horror movies (The Grudge, Possession), James Marsters has been at a hole bunch of conventions and had a run on Smallville, Seth Green is … well the Seth Green of Family Guy & Robot Chicken, but what has Emma Caufield been up to, ya know Anya?

Well she’s been writing a little webcomic titled “Contropussy“

Carol Zara linked me to this and at first I was skeptical – another actress just trying to do something with her time, trying to cash in on the popularity of comics, but this is actually really good. The webcomic is about a cat – Contropussy who is just living her nine lives one cigarette at a time, running into her ex-dogfriend Double O, trying to stop her feline friend Maxine from getting “hopped up on the nip” cat nip that is, while trying to stay clear of the Evil Rabbit.

Contropussy is well drawn, written, thought out, and best of all -it is full of references to pop culture. I found that this is one of the situations where readers comments come in handy. I am reading #021 and thinking “wow that evil rabbit looks so familiar like that yakuza chick from Kill Bill”. Scroll down the page and the commentators name the character in question- O Ren Ishii. What all these references contribute to this comic is re-readablity. Contropussy is updated twice a week, after they relase print copies of the issues (one is available so far). With each re-read you will pick up more of the references and see more of the artistic detail is the backgrounds. I would recomend this comic to most of my friends, and of course to you too.

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Hey All!

As you probably know, I had a blast at Wizard World Toronto this year!

Saw some great art & hung out with some amazing people.

This is a video of one of those great times: Carol & I got to meet for the first time in person after conversing muchly on Twitter & on the interwebs.

You’ll see that Carol got to feed me gamer snacks. We also expose several superheroes as frauds – they cant even open a snack pack! Indestructible adamantium.. pfft yeah right!

Anyway, here it is!

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I watched a film called Bad Biology last night, and now I must share the story of its awesomeness with you. Earth would be a better place if everyone bought this movie and learned from it. It’s about a boy with a giant mutant penis and a girl with seven clits.

THE PLOT

Driven by biological excess, a young man and woman search for sexual fulfillment, unaware of each other’s existence. Unfortunately, they eventually meet, and the bonding of these two very unusual human beings ends in an explosive and ultimately over-the-top sexual experience, resulting in a highly entertaining love story. [2]

THE GOOD STUFF (SPOILERS)

Jennifer is a violent nymphomaniac who makes a living as a photographer. Throughout the day, Jennifer gets so uncontrollably horny that she is forced to masturbate — that’s because she has seven clitorii in her vagina and can enjoy seven times the pleasure.

Click here to continue reading

Sources: 1, 2

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Dear God, please make it end.

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