2010
From Hugs to Boners
Brought to you by @sidecarsally
With the recent occurrence of natural disasters (Haiti, Rosie O’Donnell, etc.), people are in need of hugs. Somebody did a survey about hugs once, and it showed that most people enjoy hugs from beautiful large-breasted women — those who do not enjoy it were assumed to be hugtarded and unable to understand what a proper hug is.
This is a reverse male-to-male hug as seen in Brokeback Mountain. This is not a proper hug.
A legitimate hug must be performed in close proximity with another person, and it should feel natural. If your gut is telling you not to hug someone, you probably shouldn’t because they might notice your awkwardness and fear of touching them. True Fact: Fear can cause men to get unwanted erections which can turn awkward hugs into felonies.
There are two main scenarios involving hugging someone while sporting a boner: Accidental and intentional. Each situation must be handled with delicacy to be successful.
ACCIDENTAL BONER HUG
Sometimes a person will catch you off guard with a hug while you’re daydreaming about Hillary Duff and Megan Fox taking a shower together, and then BAM — you’ve got wood and didn’t know until it was too late. What do you do when your stiffy stabs someone?
1) First, try to play it off as if your penis was perfectly soft to begin with. Maintain eye contact with the person and watch their body language closely; everyone reacts differently the first time they hug a dude with a raging hard-on. This passive response will diffuse 99% of accidental boner hug incidents.
2) If the person takes offense to your organ, they are now considered a victim. Get out of the room quickly and keep your head down.
You may decide (for whatever reason) to intentionally hug a person while a boner lurks in your pants. Should you keep it a secret and then share the story later with friends, or jam it into your partner with brute force? I will discuss both methods.
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Aaron
